Got a mess of trouble on Facebook?
The Laurens have the answers!
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The Laurens are Lauren Lapkus and Lauren Ashley Smith. Please feel free to contact us! fixmyfacebook@gmail.com
**Disclaimer: Every question was submitted by an actual person. The Laurens are here to solve your problems, not create new ones.**
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Dear Everyone,
Facebook Drama’s very own Lauren Lapkus was recently featured on Jimmy Kimmel Live in a segment that affects all of us entitled Being Unfriended With Dr. Drew. Many of you have written to us expressing the pain, anguish, and shame that comes with being unceremoniously unfriended. This, my friends, is for you. Big congrats to Lauren L. on her JKL success!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: if you write a message on someones wall then immediately defriend them will they see the wall post?
-Hurry
A: I know you’re in a rush so I’ll make it quick— that post is there for life. You’re screwed. Good luck, bro.
Love,
Lauren
Our next question comes to us via Gynomite, a licensed therapist living in NYC. This query popped up in her inbox some time ago, and while therapists usually have all the answers, they’re smart enough to ask an expert when it comes to Facebook-related drama. Thankfully, the Laurens are here to help.
Q: How do I handle a really passive aggressive Facebook friend? I have this friend that I see fairly often because she’s in my circle, but we’re not super close or anything. She constantly posts status updates and tweets that seem to be aimed at me directly, stuff like “well I guess some people get drunk faster than others” the morning after I get drunk with everyone, or “Ugh, some people need to shut up” after I post a few updates in a row. If I say anything to her about it, I know she’s going to say that I’m being egotistical by assuming they’re about me, but I KNOW they’re about me. What do I do?
Hello caller!
Sorry if you needed this information a few months ago— I was just busy moving across the country. But that’s no excuse for not tackling this issue on the double and for that I apologize. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my move to LA it’s that haterz gon’ hate. Sounds like this Facebook Biatch lives and breathes for every little update you choose to give your internet pals. I’m a huge fan of the DELETE button—if I get sick of someone’s updates or if I just decide someone doesn’t need to be privy to mine, I head over to my “Friends” section and click a few X’s. Honestly it sounds like this cow just needs to be put out to pasture. I know you’re going to have to hang out with her every so often whether you like it or not, but your best bet is to delete and retreat. This way you avoid a passive aggressive FB war and force her to handle her emotions in person. Let her get riled up about your future status messages in person and, if you’re lucky, she’ll post a comment to your face. If she can’t bring it IRL then don’t you worry your pretty little head about her answer to that age old FB question, “What’s on your mind?”
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Dear @FacebookDrama, what you think? Someone clearly de-friends me on Facebook, then months later adds me. Do I sent them msg? Ignore? Add?
-@MenoxMusic
A: First of all, thx 2 @MenoxMusic 4 our very frst Twttr sbmssn!!
Newayz, it looks like your ex-friend has a serious case of Defriender’s Remorse and that is their issue to stress over, not yours. Instead of wasting time trying to figure out what you did wrong that got you defriended, let’s look into what you may have done right that got this fair-weather amigo back in your notifications. Have you recently become famous? Have you recently had a baby? These are just a few things that have inspired people (ME) in the past to attempt to re-friend people they so callously tossed into the virtual friendship trash heap. Whatever the reason, you should be insulted that this person thinks they can traipse in and out of your Facebook universe without consequence. Teach this flip-flopper a lesson—do not give them the satisfaction or the benefit of being your FB friend again. Think of your Facebook page as a club in the meatpacking district: there is NO RE-ENTRY. Either you’re inside or you’re outside, and this ‘friend’ is clearly on the outside. I hope they brought a scarf, some cigarettes, and cab fare, ‘cause they ain’t getting back in!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Should I defriend my exes or friends I’m on bad terms with on facebook? I really hate running into them on my newsfeed, but I don’t wanna defriend them just in case we patch things up in the future, it would be awkward and embarassing to have to refriend em. -Anonymous
A: Woah there, Anon. Let me go ahead and tell you something that part of you already knows: you are fickle. Someone can be flying high as your friend or lover one day and be blacklisted and ‘on bad terms’ the next just because your mood has changed? Uncool, dude! We all have our bad days and people who piss us off, but that doesn’t give you the right to go from zero to defriended before taking a minute to cool off. Think this through; the fact that you’re already anticipating patching things up with these poor souls is a clear sign that you are not emotionally ready to let go. And news flash: unjustly ex-communicating a friend is a great way to make things awkward and embarrassing super fast. To avoid crawling back to your sometimes-friends with your proverbial tail between your legs, you need to learn to take your reactive behavior down like 27 notches, okay? Next time you get the irrational itch to defriend, take a quick breath, look at some cute pics of baby cats, and get your blood pressure back where it belongs before you end up on Snapped. With your FB-induced rage under control, you’ll stop living in constant fear of awkward embarrassment, that poor ‘Remove from Friends’ button will finally get a rest, and your ‘friends’ just may stop suggesting you see a therapist. Everybody wins!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: If you notice that someone posted their cell phone number on somebody else’s wall and you have been trying to figure out that persons number for a while, is it socially acceptable to save said person’s number in your phone and act like you just had it “by chance” when you accidentally call them? Same goes for AIM’s with a resulting video chat. -I’d rather not.
A: Dear I’d Rather Not,
You seem like the type of lady—and let’s be frank, we know you are a chick—who does not take ‘no’ for an answer, which is cute in its own way and also a bit cray cray. But hey, girl, you gotta get in where you fit in and if where you fit in happens to be a little box labeled ‘mentally unstable,’ then do you. Like you said, you’ve spent your valuable time and energy ‘trying to figure out this person’s number for a while,’ so just be thankful they are careless with their personal info, discreetly add their digits, and keep on steppin’. And don’t worry about being exposed as the light stalker you are; that’s what lies are for. There are various mind-altering substances out there designed to make people forget their own names, so if this person likes the drink every now and again or indulges in any one of the treats featured on Intervention, you’re in the clear. Should this person start to ask questions like ‘how did you get this number?’ and ‘since when do you have my screen name?,’ all you have to do is say ‘you gave it to me! you know…when you were wasted.’ And if that doesn’t work (IT WILL), you can just tell them that the friend whose wall you lifted the info from gave it to you. Because technically, that ain’t no lie. So plug in your celly phone and log in to Skype because you’ve got some ‘accidental’ contact to make.
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Do I have to reply with a ‘thank you!’ to all of the happy birthday messages on my Facebook wall? I want to respond to some, but it will take weeks for me to send a ‘thank you’ to everyone who posted on my wall, and after a day or so goes by, it gets awkward. How soon after my birthday do I need to respond and what’s the criteria for birthday wishes that merit a response and those that can drift quietly into the past never to be spoken of again? -A Year Older
A: Oh my God, it’s so hard being popular. How on earth would you ever have time to write back to all the tens of thousands of friends who wrote basic “Happy bday” messages on your wall? Well, A Year Older, maybe they don’t all deserve a thank you. With apps like this one available now, iPhone users can have their birthday greetings automatically generated. It will even fill in the birthday boy or girl’s name with a simple setting adjustment. If this isn’t a sign of how little anyone cares about your birthday, then I don’t know what is. Revel in your birthday wishes, but don’t get carried away. Thank the people (read: not robots) who took the time to post a personal message, and toss up a “THANX EVERY1 U RULE” status message to take care of the rest. Sure, it’s “your day”— but don’t remind us every two seconds by clogging our live feeds with all of your meaningless thank yous.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love,
Lauren
Q: I hate my job and want to solicit possible job offers via Fbook status updates, but I made the terrible mistake of becoming friends with my fellow employees and boss on Facebook. What do I do? Ain’t nobody gon’ see dat shit if I jus’ put it on the Twitter!
-Employable
A: Dear Employable,
Looking for a new job via Facebook is definitely hard to do when you’ve got your boss and your co-workers all up in your status update grill. Thankfully, there’s a cute little feature called the Limited Profile that will let you broadcast your professional availability without turning you into cubicle enemy number one in your workplace. All you have to do is create a friend list of your work peeps and make it so those losers can’t see your status updates. That way you’ll be free to set your status to ‘I NEEDS A NEW JOB OR IM GON KILL MYSELF’ without them having the slightest clue that you’re ready to bust out. If you’re not interested in playing with fire (privacy settings are a fickle beast after all), there are plenty of other ways to get your ‘hire me!’ plea on the radar of all of your nearest and dearest. You might try expressing your professional availablility in a FB note that’s only visible to people you explicitly select. Or you could send a mass Facebook message to the people on your friends list who don’t know you well enough to know they don’t want to work with you. Whatever you choose, just don’t turn to Twitter for your job search unless you want bots like NaughtyGirl236 sending you open positions of a different kind.
While we’re on the subject of your employability, let me also suggest that you brush up on your written correspondence skillz. Let’s save the ‘ain’t’s and the ‘gon’’s for the lumberyard where they belong, shall we? As you would put it, ‘dat shit’ is not gonna get you hired. Once you get some leads on a new gig from your Facebook efforts, make sure to tone down the 50 Cent-speak until after your first paycheck goes through.
Love,
Tha L to tha A to tha U to tha R to tha E to the N
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Q: Should I respond to posts on my wall as comments under that post, or should I post on their wall? -Too many places to respond
A: Thank you so much for asking this question, Too Many Places! I have been waiting to speak on this subject since Facebook introduced the ability to leave comments on wall posts and boy, do I have a lot to say. At first glance, this new feature seems like a benevolent gift bestowed upon us by the social networking gods. But let me tell you something, TMP, the commenting feature is a big fat Trojan horse that wants nothing more than to step on your feelings with a steel-toed boot. For example, say you write ‘i miss you!!!’ on the Facebook wall of a friend who has recently moved to LA. How would you feel if said recently-relocated friend wrote their ‘Me too!’ response as a comment on their own wall instead of proclaiming the mutual missing nature of your relationship on your wall for all of your friends to see?? You’d feel like downing a fifth of Ciroc, right!? Right. Don’t get me wrong, TMP, the comment feature isn’t all bad. It’s perfect for provoking jealousy in exes and frenemies via long, drawn-out, easily-read exchanges between you and a new love or a cool jealousy-inducing friend. It’s even ok for innocuous exchanges like making dinner plans, but in most cases, commenting on your own wall is the equivalent of writing in your own yearbook: it’s verboten. The bottom line is that writing on people’s walls makes them feel good; it makes them feel special; and it’s one of the ideals Facebook was built upon. So venture out of your virtual comfort zone and spread the love, won’t you?
Love,
Lauren