Q: Do I have to reply with a ‘thank you!’ to all of the happy birthday messages on my Facebook wall? I want to respond to some, but it will take weeks for me to send a ‘thank you’ to everyone who posted on my wall, and after a day or so goes by, it gets awkward. How soon after my birthday do I need to respond and what’s the criteria for birthday wishes that merit a response and those that can drift quietly into the past never to be spoken of again? -A Year Older
A: Oh my God, it’s so hard being popular. How on earth would you ever have time to write back to all the tens of thousands of friends who wrote basic “Happy bday” messages on your wall? Well, A Year Older, maybe they don’t all deserve a thank you. With apps like this one available now, iPhone users can have their birthday greetings automatically generated. It will even fill in the birthday boy or girl’s name with a simple setting adjustment. If this isn’t a sign of how little anyone cares about your birthday, then I don’t know what is. Revel in your birthday wishes, but don’t get carried away. Thank the people (read: not robots) who took the time to post a personal message, and toss up a “THANX EVERY1 U RULE” status message to take care of the rest. Sure, it’s “your day”— but don’t remind us every two seconds by clogging our live feeds with all of your meaningless thank yous.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Love,
Lauren
Q: I hate my job and want to solicit possible job offers via Fbook status updates, but I made the terrible mistake of becoming friends with my fellow employees and boss on Facebook. What do I do? Ain’t nobody gon’ see dat shit if I jus’ put it on the Twitter!
-Employable
A: Dear Employable,
Looking for a new job via Facebook is definitely hard to do when you’ve got your boss and your co-workers all up in your status update grill. Thankfully, there’s a cute little feature called the Limited Profile that will let you broadcast your professional availability without turning you into cubicle enemy number one in your workplace. All you have to do is create a friend list of your work peeps and make it so those losers can’t see your status updates. That way you’ll be free to set your status to ‘I NEEDS A NEW JOB OR IM GON KILL MYSELF’ without them having the slightest clue that you’re ready to bust out. If you’re not interested in playing with fire (privacy settings are a fickle beast after all), there are plenty of other ways to get your ‘hire me!’ plea on the radar of all of your nearest and dearest. You might try expressing your professional availablility in a FB note that’s only visible to people you explicitly select. Or you could send a mass Facebook message to the people on your friends list who don’t know you well enough to know they don’t want to work with you. Whatever you choose, just don’t turn to Twitter for your job search unless you want bots like NaughtyGirl236 sending you open positions of a different kind.
While we’re on the subject of your employability, let me also suggest that you brush up on your written correspondence skillz. Let’s save the ‘ain’t’s and the ‘gon’’s for the lumberyard where they belong, shall we? As you would put it, ‘dat shit’ is not gonna get you hired. Once you get some leads on a new gig from your Facebook efforts, make sure to tone down the 50 Cent-speak until after your first paycheck goes through.
Love,
Tha L to tha A to tha U to tha R to tha E to the N
Q: WTF is up with highlights. Why are all my highlights just from 1 friend? Like seriously I don’t care about every damn picture & link that you comment/like. What do I do? can I hide highlights similarly to status updates? -Unhighlighted
A: Hey, Unhighlighted. Sorry for keeping you on hold for so long. I hope you enjoyed my entirely self-created parody of “Back in the High Life Again” entitled “Back in the Highlights Again”. I think it really touched on all the emotions you’ve been feeling with this new addition to your FB page. The Laurens are so concerned with your severely unhealthy internet-reliant mood swings that we went ahead and got rid of the highlights section for you ourselves. It took forever, so next time please speak directly to Facebook’s tech support.
Thank you and have a blessed day.
Love,
Lauren
Q: I hate when I’ve “ignored” a friend request multiple times from the same person and they continue to try an add me. How can I say “STOP! I don’t want to be your friend!”? –Preston
A: Hey, Preston! Since we’re sharing, let me hit you with a list of things I hate: money trees, hot guys who want to date me, paid vacations, top shelf liquor… I could go on and on and on. And in case you didn’t notice, that was me making fun of you for looking a gift horse in the mouth. P-Dogg, you should consider yourself lucky that people are beating down the door of your friendship cottage and not the other way around. Some of us have serious retention rate issues when it comes to the numbers on our friends list (NOT ME) and have totally been that person to send repeat friend requests (AGAIN, NOT ME). It’s really hard for me to relate to your situation right now, but I’m going to try. Your question leads me to believe that there’s just one person who can’t take the ‘I don’t want to be friends’ hint, which smells a little bit like Eau D’Stalker. That, or they’ve listened to Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’ one too many times. Either way, the only way to keep this person from turning your reality into a Lifetime Original Movie titled No One Would Tell: Part II, is to go full tilt with your defense. Nothing says ‘friendship over’ like a court-issued restraining order. It packs way more of a punch than that lame-o ‘Ignore’ button. Good luck with those attorney fees!
Love (from 100 feet away, of course),
Lauren
Q: My brother is a sweet guy, though not a huge hit with the ladies. For the last year, he has been dating a total b*tch, despite everyone telling him that she is bad news. I’ve accepted that I can’t convince him to dump the ho, but I just noticed that she has facebook, and I plan to add her as a “friend.” So here’s my question: do I parttake in some first-class cyberbullying (it might not last long until she blocks me, but it would definitely be fun!), or do I go for the subversive route and become her BFF and use all of her dirt against her??
-Frienemy in Ft. Lauderdale
A: So… Your brother’s gf is a total bitch, huh? This. Is. Not. Good. Do you know what bitches do, Frienemy? They eat sweet guys like your bro for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From your description, I can tell you that this girl is a textbook case of what I like to call an Emotional Gold Digger and she’s using your brother for his excess supply of kindness. What she’s doing right now is going straight Edward Cullen on his ass and sucking him dry of all the happiness and good will he’s worth. As you have realized, this is not ok, and now we have to figure out what you’re going to do about it. The idea of being a double agent and striking up a faux friendship with this trollop is enticing, I must admit. But let me tell you something, Frienemy: you cannot under any circumstances become BFFs with this vulture, not even in jest. For all you know, a predisposition to being wooed, duped, glamoured, and bamboozled by Bitchy McGee is genetic. Who’s to say that you won’t succumb to her emotional manipulation and get sucked in just like your brother? Stay far, far away from this girl. I mean it. Friending her on FB is about as far as your relationship with this woodland creature should go. Plus, as long as you’re cool with potential criminal justice system-level consequences, cyber bullying is so much more fun! Let me jump start your cyber bullying efforts by suggesting you leave the comment ‘your ugly’ on every single one of her photos. Nothing hurts more than being dissed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Best of luck!
Love,
Lauren
Q: I keep poking my coworkers? Will that be considered sexual harassment? Will I lose my job?
- Milton…
A: Ah, Milton. The Poke is the most passive way to communicate with your FB friends. You poke, they see it, maybe they poke back. At best it’s the equivalent to a “hey” and at worst it’s a chilling reminder of the creepy man seated on the other side of your cubicle wall.
The delicate art of Poking has many rules and regulations. We can’t just go clicking the “poke” button all willy-nilly lest we creep out our so-called “friends” with a quickness. I suggest you try other methods of communicating with your coworkers, the best being the In Person Method (IPM). Why not saunter casually up to the desk of one of your work pals and greet them with a hello? You could even ask them how they are doing, and comment on the weather or their nice shirt. The biggest rule here is to keep it brief and keep moving. This also works when you see one of these people in the hall at your place of business. A nod and quick wave will do in this scenario. Maybe a slight smile, unless you look uncomfortable doing that, which I’ll go ahead and assume you do. Keep it simple, and again, keep it hella brief.
If the IPM is too much for you, shoot them a FB message or an email, or if you’re feeling frisky, how ‘bout a fax? You might as well stop poking now because I’m sure you’ve totally overused that feature. But Milton, no matter which mode of communication you choose, I trust that you will know immediately when you’ve crossed the sexual harassment line. Handcuffs are hard to miss.
Love (platonic, co-worker love),
Lauren
Q: Dear D or L or whatever intial you are today:
I recently (5 minutes ago) had to defriend some one I love who will remain nameless (my sister) because she always censors my fucked up comments. I try to be funny, but she finds my shit offensive. If I wasnt a real estate broker in the worst market in the country (Las Vegas), I would be doing stand up and “rocking the house”. Anyway, I need a replacement friend to take her place and SHE needs to be someone hot and young (I dont care what age as long as she is legal in whatever country she is from) who likes an old balding thinks he is funny mother fucker.
Anonymous
-Kenny Loggins
A: (Long sigh) Where do I even begin here, Anonymous/Kenny Loggins?
In addition to your apparent identity crisis, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. Shilling property in Sin City stifled your stand-up comedy game, which caused you to release your pent-up comedic frustration in the form of questionable FB posts, which offended your sister, which caused you to defriend your own flesh and blood. Now, you’re lonely and you realize that you need a lady friend to fill the void your ex-communicated sister has left in your life. If I may weigh in here, it seems to me like you’re not so much in need of a replacement friend/sister as much as you are seeking an arrangement of a different kind. And for that, you should look no further than SeekingArrangement.com. It’s a great site that helps guys like you find the ‘sugar baby’ of your dreams. Seeking Arrangement will hook you up with the perfect sugar baby for you: hot, young, devoid of morals, slightly sisterly, into bald dudes, and 100% guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes. All she’ll ask of you in return is a chunk of that Las Vegas real estate cash once a month and a promise that you’ll keep your hands where she can see them. Fair is fair, right, Sugar Daddy? Who knows—your brand new sugar baby just may be the confidence booster you need to close more real estate deals and start “rocking the house” the way it was meant to be rocked. Log right on to Seeking Arrangement and an aspiring actress or college student will be happy to let you offend her in ways you’ve only dreamed of. Sisters may let you down, but a sugar baby is forever. Isn’t that sweet?
Love,
Lauren
Q: Is it okay to defriend a friend for their views on life? -D
A: Dear D,
I think your being way to quick to defriend your freind just becasue she has differnet politicol opinions then you. She cant help the fact that all of her faverite TV personalitys like Rusch Limbo, Glen Beak, and Shon Handity help her to form her own opinons about our Presidnet. So what if you guys dont sea eye too eye, shes your freind. And freinds somtimes have diffrnet veiws.
Seriously though, it’s not always kosher to defriend a friend based solely on their views on life, but it is always okay to defriend a friend because they can’t f*cking spell. Thanks to your illuminating visual aid, the world can see that this girl has a problem with both the President and the proper use of standard American English. I have to let the girl have her opinion, but I would also like to let her have some quality time with a dictionary, a thesaurus, and a solid fifth grade education. Do your News Feed a favor and click ‘Remove from Friends’ with a quickness. Follow that defriending up with a private message letting her know the airtimes of the Rachel Maddow Show and that you’re willing to ‘covor’ her on a six-month stint at the Sylvan Learning Center. After that, she’s in the hands of spell check and the good lord. Good luck!
Lvoe,
Larneu
Q: With twitter now in the social networking circle, are my feelings of the fb status being socially inferior to twitter healthy? I feel as if I treat my fb status as the dog on a chain in the backyard that just needs to be feed every now and then so it doesn’t die.
- Socially Superior
A: What up, Socially Superior. It’s me, your Facebook status. Remember me? And all the times? Me…me…Me so hungry. Feeeeeeed me. I’m wasting away into nothingness. Before you know it, you’ll barely remember to visit me in your morning Internet routine. Twitter may be the new hot thing, but who says you can’t add new followers and keep the old, if you follow my Girl Scout-style advice? Like the Brownies always say, “One is silver and the other gold.” I’ll let you do ranking, but I’m still going to tell you FB is gold and that means it loves you more than Twitter, no matter what the fools say. We have so much left in our relationship, so many milestones (big and small) to announce…
Please pull this proverbial dog off the chain and get me in the house to a nice, juicy status steak before I’m forced to call someone with real authority, like Tom from MySpace.
Love,
Lauren
Q: Is it considered creepy to heavily stalk someone’s public profile on a daily basis, even though you can easily friend them? -Anonymous
A: Let’s not play games here, Anonymous. You already know that heavily stalking someone’s public profile on a daily basis without being friends with them is considered creepy—the real question is whether it’s considered creepy enough for you to stop. In this situation, as Whitney says, it’s not right but it’s okay. I am giving you the green light to get your stalk on without the obligation of friending, and here’s why: anyone who is rolling with a public Facebook profile in the year 2009 deserves to have their shiz creeped on hard core because they are a fool. I don’t mean to be crass, but rocking a public profile these days is like two strangers meeting in a dark alley and promptly engaging in intercourse without so much as a piece of saran wrap between the two. In other words, having a public profile is a straight up health hazard. Public profiles tell the world one of two things about someone: a) they are not a real person or b) they are so lonely or naive that being stalked by thousands of strangers is a welcome alternative to whatever Facebook hell they’re presently living in. The bottom line here is that you’re just giving this person the attention they want, Anon, and there’s no reason to feel bad about it. Save your guilt and remorse for the things that really deserve them— like all those Honesty Box messages you sent out last night. Those you definitely need to repent for, creep-o.
Love,
Lauren
