Q: My brother is a sweet guy, though not a huge hit with the ladies. For the last year, he has been dating a total b*tch, despite everyone telling him that she is bad news. I’ve accepted that I can’t convince him to dump the ho, but I just noticed that she has facebook, and I plan to add her as a “friend.” So here’s my question: do I parttake in some first-class cyberbullying (it might not last long until she blocks me, but it would definitely be fun!), or do I go for the subversive route and become her BFF and use all of her dirt against her??
-Frienemy in Ft. Lauderdale
A: So… Your brother’s gf is a total bitch, huh? This. Is. Not. Good. Do you know what bitches do, Frienemy? They eat sweet guys like your bro for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From your description, I can tell you that this girl is a textbook case of what I like to call an Emotional Gold Digger and she’s using your brother for his excess supply of kindness. What she’s doing right now is going straight Edward Cullen on his ass and sucking him dry of all the happiness and good will he’s worth. As you have realized, this is not ok, and now we have to figure out what you’re going to do about it. The idea of being a double agent and striking up a faux friendship with this trollop is enticing, I must admit. But let me tell you something, Frienemy: you cannot under any circumstances become BFFs with this vulture, not even in jest. For all you know, a predisposition to being wooed, duped, glamoured, and bamboozled by Bitchy McGee is genetic. Who’s to say that you won’t succumb to her emotional manipulation and get sucked in just like your brother? Stay far, far away from this girl. I mean it. Friending her on FB is about as far as your relationship with this woodland creature should go. Plus, as long as you’re cool with potential criminal justice system-level consequences, cyber bullying is so much more fun! Let me jump start your cyber bullying efforts by suggesting you leave the comment ‘your ugly’ on every single one of her photos. Nothing hurts more than being dissed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Best of luck!