![Q: Scenario: One of my fabcebook friend’s stauses recently was “Please confirm or deny the rumor that Regina Specktor is playing at [redacted]!?+”…is it cruel to comment and say “Please confirm or deny the rumor that I hate you. Oh. Wait. This just in…CONFIRMED.” Please help. -Anonymous
A: Well aren’t you cheeky, Anonymous?! As I hope you already know, anyone with the cojones to openly demonstrate their contempt for a frenemy is a friend of mine. There’s nothing worse than someone who’s a friend to your face and a mortal enemy behind closed doors which is why I salute you and your open-hatred policy. But you gotta be careful, Anonymous, you can have too much of a good thing, especially when that good thing is hating on your so-called friends. I can’t be sure, but the fact that you’re commenting on status updates all willy nilly leads me to believe that you’ve gotten a little overzealous in your FB badgering. Why not try being a little more coy with your contempt? Loathing is a dish best served as a sampler, not an entree. If you hit your enemy too hard and too often, she’s going to become immune to your particular brand of bullying. And where’s the fun in that? Just like a deadly virus, you have to constantly change and grow in order to keep destroying people’s lives. Try being the SARS of Facebook and leave your enemy breathless by never getting too comfortable with one form of harassment. If status comments are your MO, then try disappearing for a while and coming back with a huge hostility bomb in her Honesty Box. By showing your scorn sparingly, your enemy will not only be filled with a soul-crushing sadness, but she’ll never be able to predict just when you’ll strike next. And that, my frenemy, is a beautiful thing.
Love,
Lauren](http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_krfpy46Bl11qzk7yao1_500.jpg)
Q: Scenario: One of my fabcebook friend’s stauses recently was “Please confirm or deny the rumor that Regina Specktor is playing at [redacted]!?+”…is it cruel to comment and say “Please confirm or deny the rumor that I hate you. Oh. Wait. This just in…CONFIRMED.” Please help. -Anonymous
A: Well aren’t you cheeky, Anonymous?! As I hope you already know, anyone with the cojones to openly demonstrate their contempt for a frenemy is a friend of mine. There’s nothing worse than someone who’s a friend to your face and a mortal enemy behind closed doors which is why I salute you and your open-hatred policy. But you gotta be careful, Anonymous, you can have too much of a good thing, especially when that good thing is hating on your so-called friends. I can’t be sure, but the fact that you’re commenting on status updates all willy nilly leads me to believe that you’ve gotten a little overzealous in your FB badgering. Why not try being a little more coy with your contempt? Loathing is a dish best served as a sampler, not an entree. If you hit your enemy too hard and too often, she’s going to become immune to your particular brand of bullying. And where’s the fun in that? Just like a deadly virus, you have to constantly change and grow in order to keep destroying people’s lives. Try being the SARS of Facebook and leave your enemy breathless by never getting too comfortable with one form of harassment. If status comments are your MO, then try disappearing for a while and coming back with a huge hostility bomb in her Honesty Box. By showing your scorn sparingly, your enemy will not only be filled with a soul-crushing sadness, but she’ll never be able to predict just when you’ll strike next. And that, my frenemy, is a beautiful thing.
Love,
Lauren
Q: Should I respond to posts on my wall as comments under that post, or should I post on their wall? -Too many places to respond
A: Thank you so much for asking this question, Too Many Places! I have been waiting to speak on this subject since Facebook introduced the ability to leave comments on wall posts and boy, do I have a lot to say. At first glance, this new feature seems like a benevolent gift bestowed upon us by the social networking gods. But let me tell you something, TMP, the commenting feature is a big fat Trojan horse that wants nothing more than to step on your feelings with a steel-toed boot. For example, say you write ‘i miss you!!!’ on the Facebook wall of a friend who has recently moved to LA. How would you feel if said recently-relocated friend wrote their ‘Me too!’ response as a comment on their own wall instead of proclaiming the mutual missing nature of your relationship on your wall for all of your friends to see?? You’d feel like downing a fifth of Ciroc, right!? Right. Don’t get me wrong, TMP, the comment feature isn’t all bad. It’s perfect for provoking jealousy in exes and frenemies via long, drawn-out, easily-read exchanges between you and a new love or a cool jealousy-inducing friend. It’s even ok for innocuous exchanges like making dinner plans, but in most cases, commenting on your own wall is the equivalent of writing in your own yearbook: it’s verboten. The bottom line is that writing on people’s walls makes them feel good; it makes them feel special; and it’s one of the ideals Facebook was built upon. So venture out of your virtual comfort zone and spread the love, won’t you?
Love,
Lauren