Q: Dear @FacebookDrama, what you think? Someone clearly de-friends me on Facebook, then months later adds me. Do I sent them msg? Ignore? Add?
-@MenoxMusic
A: First of all, thx 2 @MenoxMusic 4 our very frst Twttr sbmssn!!
Newayz, it looks like your ex-friend has a serious case of Defriender’s Remorse and that is their issue to stress over, not yours. Instead of wasting time trying to figure out what you did wrong that got you defriended, let’s look into what you may have done right that got this fair-weather amigo back in your notifications. Have you recently become famous? Have you recently had a baby? These are just a few things that have inspired people (ME) in the past to attempt to re-friend people they so callously tossed into the virtual friendship trash heap. Whatever the reason, you should be insulted that this person thinks they can traipse in and out of your Facebook universe without consequence. Teach this flip-flopper a lesson—do not give them the satisfaction or the benefit of being your FB friend again. Think of your Facebook page as a club in the meatpacking district: there is NO RE-ENTRY. Either you’re inside or you’re outside, and this ‘friend’ is clearly on the outside. I hope they brought a scarf, some cigarettes, and cab fare, ‘cause they ain’t getting back in!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Should I defriend my exes or friends I’m on bad terms with on facebook? I really hate running into them on my newsfeed, but I don’t wanna defriend them just in case we patch things up in the future, it would be awkward and embarassing to have to refriend em. -Anonymous
A: Woah there, Anon. Let me go ahead and tell you something that part of you already knows: you are fickle. Someone can be flying high as your friend or lover one day and be blacklisted and ‘on bad terms’ the next just because your mood has changed? Uncool, dude! We all have our bad days and people who piss us off, but that doesn’t give you the right to go from zero to defriended before taking a minute to cool off. Think this through; the fact that you’re already anticipating patching things up with these poor souls is a clear sign that you are not emotionally ready to let go. And news flash: unjustly ex-communicating a friend is a great way to make things awkward and embarrassing super fast. To avoid crawling back to your sometimes-friends with your proverbial tail between your legs, you need to learn to take your reactive behavior down like 27 notches, okay? Next time you get the irrational itch to defriend, take a quick breath, look at some cute pics of baby cats, and get your blood pressure back where it belongs before you end up on Snapped. With your FB-induced rage under control, you’ll stop living in constant fear of awkward embarrassment, that poor ‘Remove from Friends’ button will finally get a rest, and your ‘friends’ just may stop suggesting you see a therapist. Everybody wins!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Dear D or L or whatever intial you are today:
I recently (5 minutes ago) had to defriend some one I love who will remain nameless (my sister) because she always censors my fucked up comments. I try to be funny, but she finds my shit offensive. If I wasnt a real estate broker in the worst market in the country (Las Vegas), I would be doing stand up and “rocking the house”. Anyway, I need a replacement friend to take her place and SHE needs to be someone hot and young (I dont care what age as long as she is legal in whatever country she is from) who likes an old balding thinks he is funny mother fucker.
Anonymous
-Kenny Loggins
A: (Long sigh) Where do I even begin here, Anonymous/Kenny Loggins?
In addition to your apparent identity crisis, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. Shilling property in Sin City stifled your stand-up comedy game, which caused you to release your pent-up comedic frustration in the form of questionable FB posts, which offended your sister, which caused you to defriend your own flesh and blood. Now, you’re lonely and you realize that you need a lady friend to fill the void your ex-communicated sister has left in your life. If I may weigh in here, it seems to me like you’re not so much in need of a replacement friend/sister as much as you are seeking an arrangement of a different kind. And for that, you should look no further than SeekingArrangement.com. It’s a great site that helps guys like you find the ‘sugar baby’ of your dreams. Seeking Arrangement will hook you up with the perfect sugar baby for you: hot, young, devoid of morals, slightly sisterly, into bald dudes, and 100% guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes. All she’ll ask of you in return is a chunk of that Las Vegas real estate cash once a month and a promise that you’ll keep your hands where she can see them. Fair is fair, right, Sugar Daddy? Who knows—your brand new sugar baby just may be the confidence booster you need to close more real estate deals and start “rocking the house” the way it was meant to be rocked. Log right on to Seeking Arrangement and an aspiring actress or college student will be happy to let you offend her in ways you’ve only dreamed of. Sisters may let you down, but a sugar baby is forever. Isn’t that sweet?
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Is it okay to defriend a friend for their views on life? -D
A: Dear D,
I think your being way to quick to defriend your freind just becasue she has differnet politicol opinions then you. She cant help the fact that all of her faverite TV personalitys like Rusch Limbo, Glen Beak, and Shon Handity help her to form her own opinons about our Presidnet. So what if you guys dont sea eye too eye, shes your freind. And freinds somtimes have diffrnet veiws.
Seriously though, it’s not always kosher to defriend a friend based solely on their views on life, but it is always okay to defriend a friend because they can’t f*cking spell. Thanks to your illuminating visual aid, the world can see that this girl has a problem with both the President and the proper use of standard American English. I have to let the girl have her opinion, but I would also like to let her have some quality time with a dictionary, a thesaurus, and a solid fifth grade education. Do your News Feed a favor and click ‘Remove from Friends’ with a quickness. Follow that defriending up with a private message letting her know the airtimes of the Rachel Maddow Show and that you’re willing to ‘covor’ her on a six-month stint at the Sylvan Learning Center. After that, she’s in the hands of spell check and the good lord. Good luck!
Lvoe,
Larneu
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Q: I noticed my friend number changed last week, and, I’m ashamed to say this, I cannot figure out who defriended me. Is there an app/way to figure out who hated me so much they could not stand to see what I was up to in their newsfeed? I would appreciate any advice!
-Slightly paranoid but pretty sure I’m still an okay chick
A: Listen up, Slightly Paranoid, losing a Facebook friend is like losing the back of an earring underneath your couch. You could bend down to find it, or you could just use an eraser for the time being and move on with your life. Stop fretting, boo!! Short of going all A Beautiful Mind on your friend list until you crack the code, there isn’t an app or a way for you to figure out who hopped off of your friendship train. But would you really care if there was? Unless this person is your significant other or a well-liked member of your family, I see no real value lost here—especially if you have no clue who the defriender is. Don’t lose any sleep over this—the numerical decrease could be anything from a deactivated profile to the final straw of someone who truly hates you. Either way, don’t rush to find out. You will find out who the defriender offender is eventually, and it will hurt your feelings. It will start innocently at first: you’ll see a friend tagged in a photo and realize you haven’t seen or heard from them on your news feed in a while. Next, you’ll click on their name: instead of a full-length profile, you’re hit with a name, a thumbnail pic, and the dreaded ‘Add as Friend’ graphic hovering at the top of the page. That’s when your heart sinks as you realize that someone somewhere despises you and that you are not, in fact, an okay chick. And then you will cry… Or so I hear. Trust me—until that moment, ignorance is bliss.
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Defriending happens, I get it, but most of the time people do not own up to it. However, recently I was defriended and the person texted to tell me. What is the appropriate response (if any), when a person texts to tell you that they have defriended you on facebook. -Defriended in Dallas
A: Ouch, Defriended. Unexpectedly lowered FB numbers are painful enough—I can’t believe this kid was so bold as to let you know your Internet friendship was over via text message. I’m assuming you’ve left them hanging on your response and that’s a good move. Don’t do this ex-friend any favors by lighting up their cell phone. De-friending happens for many reasons: trite quiz answer posts, an excess of lame performance invitations, etc. Personally, I’m happy to let people go once the “hide” feature just isn’t cutting it. You don’t seem new to the de-friending game either, though it sounds like you catch it from the other side more often than not. I don’t know what you did to earn this one but it must have been pretty epic to inspire a FB friendship termination text. Take a moment to scroll through your mental Rolodex of bogus crap you’ve done and see if you can’t come up with an explanation for this de-friending. Did you receive an urgent wall post or message and never respond? Did you let a poke linger far too long? If you can’t figure it out, don’t bother responding to this nutjob. On the other hand, if your Facebook blunder was obvious to you from the get go, work through the internal issues that caused it. Don’t respond, D.I.D., but consider your wall-to-wall finished. Because when someone deletes you, it only gets harder to send another Friend Request.
Love,
Lauren
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