Whatever you do, never spam your Facebook friends with self-promotional posts on their walls. Especially if you are shilling “KWIK” tax services, have multiple face tattoos, and go by the name “Oops.” This is how defriending happens.
Facebook Drama’s very own Lauren Lapkus was recently featured on Jimmy Kimmel Live in a segment that affects all of us entitled Being Unfriended With Dr. Drew. Many of you have written to us expressing the pain, anguish, and shame that comes with being unceremoniously unfriended. This, my friends, is for you. Big congrats to Lauren L. on her JKL success!
Q: Should I respond to posts on my wall as comments under that post, or should I post on their wall? -Too many places to respond
A: Thank you so much for asking this question, Too Many Places! I have been waiting to speak on this subject since Facebook introduced the ability to leave comments on wall posts and boy, do I have a lot to say. At first glance, this new feature seems like a benevolent gift bestowed upon us by the social networking gods. But let me tell you something, TMP, the commenting feature is a big fat Trojan horse that wants nothing more than to step on your feelings with a steel-toed boot. For example, say you write ‘i miss you!!!’ on the Facebook wall of a friend who has recently moved to LA. How would you feel if said recently-relocated friend wrote their ‘Me too!’ response as a comment on their own wall instead of proclaiming the mutual missing nature of your relationship on your wall for all of your friends to see?? You’d feel like downing a fifth of Ciroc, right!? Right. Don’t get me wrong, TMP, the comment feature isn’t all bad. It’s perfect for provoking jealousy in exes and frenemies via long, drawn-out, easily-read exchanges between you and a new love or a cool jealousy-inducing friend. It’s even ok for innocuous exchanges like making dinner plans, but in most cases, commenting on your own wall is the equivalent of writing in your own yearbook: it’s verboten. The bottom line is that writing on people’s walls makes them feel good; it makes them feel special; and it’s one of the ideals Facebook was built upon. So venture out of your virtual comfort zone and spread the love, won’t you?
Q: Dear @FacebookDrama, what you think? Someone clearly de-friends me on Facebook, then months later adds me. Do I sent them msg? Ignore? Add? -@MenoxMusic
A: First of all, thx 2 @MenoxMusic 4 our very frst Twttr sbmssn!!
Newayz, it looks like your ex-friend has a serious case of Defriender’s Remorse and that is their issue to stress over, not yours.Instead of wasting time trying to figure out what you did wrong that got you defriended, let’s look into what you may have done right that got this fair-weather amigo back in your notifications. Have you recently become famous? Have you recently had a baby? These are just a few things that have inspired people (ME) in the past to attempt to re-friend people they so callously tossed into the virtual friendship trash heap. Whatever the reason, you should be insulted that this person thinks they can traipse in and out of your Facebook universe without consequence. Teach this flip-flopper a lesson—do not give them the satisfaction or the benefit of being your FB friend again. Think of your Facebook page as a club in the meatpacking district: there is NO RE-ENTRY. Either you’re inside or you’re outside, and this ‘friend’ is clearly on the outside. I hope they brought a scarf, some cigarettes, and cab fare, ‘cause they ain’t getting back in!
Q: Should I defriend my exes or friends I’m on bad terms with on facebook? I really hate running into them on my newsfeed, but I don’t wanna defriend them just in case we patch things up in the future, it would be awkward and embarassing to have to refriend em. -Anonymous
A: Woah there, Anon. Let me go ahead and tell you something that part of you already knows: you are fickle. Someone can be flying high as your friend or lover one day and be blacklisted and ‘on bad terms’ the next just because your mood has changed? Uncool, dude! We all have our bad days and people who piss us off, but that doesn’t give you the right to go from zero to defriended before taking a minute to cool off. Think this through; the fact that you’re already anticipating patching things up with these poor souls is a clear sign that you are not emotionally ready to let go. And news flash: unjustly ex-communicating a friend is a great way to make things awkward and embarrassing super fast. To avoid crawling back to your sometimes-friends with your proverbial tail between your legs, you need to learn to take your reactive behavior down like 27 notches, okay? Next time you get the irrational itch to defriend, take a quick breath, look at some cute pics of baby cats, and get your blood pressure back where it belongs before you end up on Snapped. With your FB-induced rage under control, you’ll stop living in constant fear of awkward embarrassment, that poor ‘Remove from Friends’ button will finally get a rest, and your ‘friends’ just may stop suggesting you see a therapist. Everybody wins!
Q: If you notice that someone posted their cell phone number on somebody else’s wall and you have been trying to figure out that persons number for a while, is it socially acceptable to save said person’s number in your phone and act like you just had it “by chance” when you accidentally call them? Same goes for AIM’s with a resulting video chat. -I’d rather not.
A: Dear I’d Rather Not,
You seem like the type of lady—and let’s be frank, we know you are a chick—who does not take ‘no’ for an answer, which is cute in its own way and also a bit cray cray. But hey, girl, you gotta get in where you fit in and if where you fit in happens to be a little box labeled ‘mentally unstable,’ then do you. Like you said, you’ve spent your valuable time and energy ‘trying to figure out this person’s number for a while,’ so just be thankful they are careless with their personal info, discreetly add their digits, and keep on steppin’. And don’t worry about being exposed as the light stalker you are; that’s what lies are for. There are various mind-altering substances out there designed to make people forget their own names, so if this person likes the drink every now and again or indulges in any one of the treats featured on Intervention, you’re in the clear. Should this person start to ask questions like ‘how did you get this number?’ and ‘since when do you have my screen name?,’ all you have to do is say ‘you gave it to me! you know…when you were wasted.’ And if that doesn’t work (IT WILL), you can just tell them that the friend whose wall you lifted the info from gave it to you. Because technically, that ain’t no lie. So plug in your celly phone and log in to Skype because you’ve got some ‘accidental’ contact to make.
Q: I hate my job and want to solicit possible job offers via Fbook status updates, but I made the terrible mistake of becoming friends with my fellow employees and boss on Facebook. What do I do? Ain’t nobody gon’ see dat shit if I jus’ put it on the Twitter!
A: Dear Employable,
Looking for a new job via Facebook is definitely hard to do when you’ve got your boss and your co-workers all up in your status update grill. Thankfully, there’s a cute little feature called the Limited Profile that will let you broadcast your professional availability without turning you into cubicle enemy number one in your workplace. All you have to do is create a friend list of your work peeps and make it so those losers can’t see your status updates. That way you’ll be free to set your status to ‘I NEEDS A NEW JOB OR IM GON KILL MYSELF’ without them having the slightest clue that you’re ready to bust out. If you’re not interested in playing with fire (privacy settings are a fickle beast after all), there are plenty of other ways to get your ‘hire me!’ plea on the radar of all of your nearest and dearest. You might try expressing your professional availablility in a FB note that’s only visible to people you explicitly select. Or you could send a mass Facebook message to the people on your friends list who don’t know you well enough to know they don’t want to work with you. Whatever you choose, just don’t turn to Twitter for your job search unless you want bots like NaughtyGirl236 sending you open positions of a different kind.
While we’re on the subject of your employability, let me also suggest that you brush up on your written correspondence skillz. Let’s save the ‘ain’t’s and the ‘gon’’s for the lumberyard where they belong, shall we? As you would put it, ‘dat shit’ is not gonna get you hired. Once you get some leads on a new gig from your Facebook efforts, make sure to tone down the 50 Cent-speak until after your first paycheck goes through.
Tha L to tha A to tha U to tha R to tha E to the N
Q: I hate when I’ve “ignored” a friend request multiple times from the same person and they continue to try an add me. How can I say “STOP! I don’t want to be your friend!”? –Preston
A: Hey, Preston! Since we’re sharing, let me hit you with a list of things I hate: money trees, hot guys who want to date me, paid vacations, top shelf liquor… I could go on and on and on. And in case you didn’t notice, that was me making fun of you for looking a gift horse in the mouth. P-Dogg, you should consider yourself lucky that people are beating down the door of your friendship cottage and not the other way around. Some of us have serious retention rate issues when it comes to the numbers on our friends list (NOT ME) and have totally been that person to send repeat friend requests (AGAIN, NOT ME). It’s really hard for me to relate to your situation right now, but I’m going to try. Your question leads me to believe that there’s just one person who can’t take the ‘I don’t want to be friends’ hint, which smells a little bit like Eau D’Stalker. That, or they’ve listened to Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’ one too many times. Either way, the only way to keep this person from turning your reality into a Lifetime Original Movie titled No One Would Tell: Part II, is to go full tilt with your defense. Nothing says ‘friendship over’ like a court-issued restraining order. It packs way more of a punch than that lame-o ‘Ignore’ button. Good luck with those attorney fees!
Q: My brother is a sweet guy, though not a huge hit with the ladies. For the last year, he has been dating a total b*tch, despite everyone telling him that she is bad news. I’ve accepted that I can’t convince him to dump the ho, but I just noticed that she has facebook, and I plan to add her as a “friend.” So here’s my question: do I parttake in some first-class cyberbullying (it might not last long until she blocks me, but it would definitely be fun!), or do I go for the subversive route and become her BFF and use all of her dirt against her??
-Frienemy in Ft. Lauderdale
A: So… Your brother’s gf is a total bitch, huh? This. Is. Not. Good. Do you know what bitches do, Frienemy? They eat sweet guys like your bro for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From your description, I can tell you that this girl is a textbook case of what I like to call an Emotional Gold Digger and she’s using your brother for his excess supply of kindness. What she’s doing right now is going straight Edward Cullen on his ass and sucking him dry of all the happiness and good will he’s worth. As you have realized, this is not ok, and now we have to figure out what you’re going to do about it. The idea of being a double agent and striking up a faux friendship with this trollop is enticing, I must admit. But let me tell you something, Frienemy: you cannot under any circumstances become BFFs with this vulture, not even in jest. For all you know, a predisposition to being wooed, duped, glamoured, and bamboozled by Bitchy McGee is genetic. Who’s to say that you won’t succumb to her emotional manipulation and get sucked in just like your brother? Stay far, far away from this girl. I mean it. Friending her on FB is about as far as your relationship with this woodland creature should go. Plus, as long as you’re cool with potential criminal justice system-level consequences, cyber bullying is so much more fun! Let me jump start your cyber bullying efforts by suggesting you leave the comment ‘your ugly’ on every single one of her photos. Nothing hurts more than being dissed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Best of luck!
Q: Dear D or L or whatever intial you are today: I recently (5 minutes ago) had to defriend some one I love who will remain nameless (my sister) because she always censors my fucked up comments. I try to be funny, but she finds my shit offensive. If I wasnt a real estate broker in the worst market in the country (Las Vegas), I would be doing stand up and “rocking the house”. Anyway, I need a replacement friend to take her place and SHE needs to be someone hot and young (I dont care what age as long as she is legal in whatever country she is from) who likes an old balding thinks he is funny mother fucker. Anonymous -Kenny Loggins
A: (Long sigh) Where do I even begin here, Anonymous/Kenny Loggins?
In addition to your apparent identity crisis, it sounds like you have a lot going on in your life right now. Shilling property in Sin City stifled your stand-up comedy game, which caused you to release your pent-up comedic frustration in the form of questionable FB posts, which offended your sister, which caused you to defriend your own flesh and blood. Now, you’re lonely and you realize that you need a lady friend to fill the void your ex-communicated sister has left in your life. If I may weigh in here, it seems to me like you’re not so much in need of a replacement friend/sister as much as you are seeking an arrangement of a different kind. And for that, you should look no further than SeekingArrangement.com. It’s a great site that helps guys like you find the ‘sugar baby’ of your dreams. Seeking Arrangement will hook you up with the perfect sugar baby for you: hot, young, devoid of morals, slightly sisterly, into bald dudes, and 100% guaranteed to laugh at all of your jokes. All she’ll ask of you in return is a chunk of that Las Vegas real estate cash once a month and a promise that you’ll keep your hands where she can see them. Fair is fair, right, Sugar Daddy? Who knows—your brand new sugar baby just may be the confidence booster you need to close more real estate deals and start “rocking the house” the way it was meant to be rocked. Log right on to Seeking Arrangement and an aspiring actress or college student will be happy to let you offend her in ways you’ve only dreamed of. Sisters may let you down, but a sugar baby is forever. Isn’t that sweet?