Q: Scenario: One of my fabcebook friend’s stauses recently was “Please confirm or deny the rumor that Regina Specktor is playing at [redacted]!?+”…is it cruel to comment and say “Please confirm or deny the rumor that I hate you. Oh. Wait. This just in…CONFIRMED.” Please help. -Anonymous

A: Well aren’t you cheeky, Anonymous?!  As I hope you already know, anyone with the cojones to openly demonstrate their contempt for a frenemy is a friend of mine.  There’s nothing worse than someone who’s a friend to your face and a mortal enemy behind closed doors which is why I salute you and your open-hatred policy.  But you gotta be careful, Anonymous, you can have too much of a good thing, especially when that good thing is hating on your so-called friends.  I can’t be sure, but the fact that you’re commenting on status updates all willy nilly leads me to believe that you’ve gotten a little overzealous in your FB badgering.  Why not try being a little more coy with your contempt? Loathing is a dish best served as a sampler, not an entree.  If you hit your enemy too hard and too often, she’s going to become immune to your particular brand of bullying.  And where’s the fun in that?  Just like a deadly virus, you have to constantly change and grow in order to keep destroying people’s lives.  Try being the SARS of Facebook and leave your enemy breathless by never getting too comfortable with one form of harassment.  If status comments are your MO, then try disappearing for a while and coming back with a huge hostility bomb in her Honesty Box.  By showing your scorn sparingly, your enemy will not only be filled with a soul-crushing sadness, but she’ll never be able to predict just when you’ll strike next.  And that, my frenemy, is a beautiful thing.

Love,

Lauren