FACEBOOK DRAMA!

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Got a mess of trouble on Facebook?
The Laurens have the answers! Email us at fixmyfacebook@gmail.com or post an anonymous question directly to our Formspring.
We are here to help.

The Laurens are Lauren Lapkus and Lauren Ashley Smith. Please feel free to contact us! fixmyfacebook@gmail.com

**Disclaimer: Every question was submitted by an actual person. The Laurens are here to solve your problems, not create new ones.**

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3 notes November 12, 2009 1 30 PM

Q: I hate when I’ve “ignored” a friend request multiple times from the same person and they continue to try an add me. How can I say “STOP! I don’t want to be your friend!”? –Preston

A: Hey, Preston! Since we’re sharing, let me hit you with a list of things I hate: money trees, hot guys who want to date me, paid vacations, top shelf liquor… I could go on and on and on. And in case you didn’t notice, that was me making fun of you for looking a gift horse in the mouth. P-Dogg, you should consider yourself lucky that people are beating down the door of your friendship cottage and not the other way around. Some of us have serious retention rate issues when it comes to the numbers on our friends list (NOT ME) and have totally been that person to send repeat friend requests (AGAIN, NOT ME). It’s really hard for me to relate to your situation right now, but I’m going to try. Your question leads me to believe that there’s just one person who can’t take the ‘I don’t want to be friends’ hint, which smells a little bit like Eau D’Stalker. That, or they’ve listened to Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’ one too many times. Either way, the only way to keep this person from turning your reality into a Lifetime Original Movie titled No One Would Tell: Part II, is to go full tilt with your defense. Nothing says ‘friendship over’ like a court-issued restraining order. It packs way more of a punch than that lame-o ‘Ignore’ button. Good luck with those attorney fees!

Love (from 100 feet away, of course),

Lauren

--Tagged under: Facebook--

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: friendship--

--Tagged under: friend requests--

--Tagged under: ignore--

--Tagged under: stalker--

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2 notes October 5, 2009 11 50 AM

Q: How do i stop looking at my Ex’s page when i log onto FB. i know i’m snooping, but i can’t help but check her page whenever i log on -LLGB

A: I so feel you on this one, LLGB!! I guess now would be a good time to confess that I Facebook stalk my ex like a straight psychopath. Never mind the fact that we haven’t dated since 2000— I need to know what is going on in his life at all times. As it turns out, what’s going on in his life right now is HE’S ENGAGED, but let’s talk about your break-up which is probably a bit more recent than mine…

Facebook is good for many things, but a post break-up pick-me-up it is definitely not. Staying FB friends with your ex is the best way to ensure that the wounds from your broken relationship never heal, and snooping on your ex gf’s page is just not healthy. But I’m not stupid— if I tell you to un-friend or hide your ex from your mini-feed, you’re not going to do it. Why? Because Facebook stalking is what we do to maintain a connection to the people we used to date and maybe still love a little bit. That’s why I’m going to propose a different plan instead. You have free rein to creep on your ex’s page as much as you want as long as you adhere to this rule: for every minute you spend looking at her page, you have to spend two minutes doing pushups, pull-ups, or crunches. With this system, you’ll start to think twice about looking at your ex’s latest photo album, status update, or wall-to-wall with that jerk you KNOW has always had the hots for her. If you’re going to torture yourself emotionally, why not throw in a little physical torture that’s actually going to get you somewhere? Who knows—FB stalking your ex could land you a six-pack and special looks from a new girl whose very existence doesn’t make you want to kill yourself. So drop and give me fifty!

Love,

Lauren

--Tagged under: facebook--

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: ex--

--Tagged under: love--

--Tagged under: limited profile--

--Tagged under: friendship--

--Tagged under: relationships--

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3 notes September 28, 2009 11 50 AM

A: Dear facebook saviors

I have an annoying friend who is constantly sending facebook event invitations to things taking place in Boston. I live in New York (he knows this). How do I get him to stop without just straight up defriending him? -HELP ME OH GOD HELP ME SO ANNOYING GONNA KILL MYSELF IN 5, 4, 3, 2 1DEAD

I hear you, HELP ME OH GOD HELP ME SO ANNOYING GONNA KILL MYSELF IN 5, 4, 3, 2 1DEAD—Facebook event invitations to geographically undesirable locations are the worst. I get a bee in my bonnet if someone invites me to a birthday party in Queens, so I can only imagine how much repeated invites from Boston must grind your gears.

The only way to handle this (before resorting to a straight up un-friending) is to teach your buddy to be a bit more careful what he wishes for. The next time this loser invites you to a Boston-based event and you have oh, I don’t know, 7-10 days worth of free time, RSVP with a big old ATTENDING. Don’t contact him in any way outside of that, just write on the event wall that you ‘can’t wait!’ for whatever it is he’s deemed important enough for you to leave the tri-state area. When the event rolls around, show up at his doorstep with a full set of rolling luggage and a pillow and let him know you take your coffee black with two Splendas. Attend his little event, and then make yourself at home in this dude’s personal space for days. Spread out, leave your stuff all over, and pretty much fight every impulse to be a tolerable house guest. At the end of your visit—and when the law has granted you squatter’s rights—pack up your things and go. But before you head out, make sure to leave your friend a thank you note telling him how much you appreciate him letting you stay for all of that time and that you never would have been able to come to his show/party/lost cell phone number had it not been for his hospitality. Close the note by saying how much you look forward to his next Facebook event invitation. That invitation, my friend, will never, ever come. Have fun in Beantown!

Love,

Lauren

--Tagged under: facebook--

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: friendship--

--Tagged under: event--

--Tagged under: invitation--

--Tagged under: Boston--

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5 notes August 30, 2009 12 00 PM

Q: what’s the best way to publicly acknowledge that you hate someone on facebook without people taking it as a joke or without driving the person you hate to suicide or without having people think you are a total B. -Anonymous

A: I’m gonna level with you, Anonymous. I hate a lot of people. Like a lot. Outside of my mother and father, my entire FB friends list is filled with people I’d rather stab than hug. So you and I, we understand each other. Don’t be ashamed— let your hate flag fly, girl! No one’s gonna end it all over a catty FB message, so go to town. If you think someone is a skank, say so. If some trick stole your man, let the world know! There’s no reason to keep your hate to yourself. There is such a thing as free speech, and I suggest you get to exercising it. My philosophy is that if Facebook isn’t hurting someone’s feelings (or your own), you’re doing something wrong. Now that that’s settled, the best way to go public with your loathing is to go straight Mad Men and take out a Facebook ad. It’s like putting an ad in the newspaper, except on Facebook, people will actually read what you have to say. You won’t have many words to get your point across, but unless this person you despise happens to be without a brain cell, they will know 100% that they are hated. And more importantly, so will the rest of Facebook’s 30 million users. So get out there and make Don Draper proud!

Love,

Lauren

--Tagged under: facebook--

--Tagged under: advice--

--Tagged under: mad men--

--Tagged under: friendship--

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3 notes August 22, 2009 12 15 PM

Q: How long to you wait for someone to accept your friend request till it’s obvious that they just don’t want to be friends with you? -Anonymous

A: Listen, Anon. Part of me wants to tell you that if you have to ask, you’ve already waited too long. But a larger part of me believes in miracles and pursuing your goals, so I say don’t give up. If this person’s Facebook friendship is as important to you as it appears, you should stop at nothing to get them to accept. Who cares that there are more than 200 million active users on Facebook— THIS ONE PERSON IS THE ONLY FRIEND WHO MATTERS. You gotta do what you gotta do, and if ‘what you gotta do’ includes repeatedly friend requesting them, then so be it. So what if a repeated friend request is the internet equivalent of taking up permanent residence on their porch while blasting ‘All By Myself’ on a boom box and throwing pebbles at the upstairs window? You stand your ground. They’ll cave in eventually. That, or they’ll get your Facebook account deactivated on account of the light stalking. But even then, you’ll be back with a new name, e-mail address, and profile picture. Because if you can’t have them, no one can…

Love,

Lauren

--Tagged under: facebook--

--Tagged under: friendship--

--Tagged under: stalking--

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