Q: My brother is a sweet guy, though not a huge hit with the ladies. For the last year, he has been dating a total b*tch, despite everyone telling him that she is bad news. I’ve accepted that I can’t convince him to dump the ho, but I just noticed that she has facebook, and I plan to add her as a “friend.” So here’s my question: do I parttake in some first-class cyberbullying (it might not last long until she blocks me, but it would definitely be fun!), or do I go for the subversive route and become her BFF and use all of her dirt against her??
-Frienemy in Ft. Lauderdale
A: So… Your brother’s gf is a total bitch, huh? This. Is. Not. Good. Do you know what bitches do, Frienemy? They eat sweet guys like your bro for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From your description, I can tell you that this girl is a textbook case of what I like to call an Emotional Gold Digger and she’s using your brother for his excess supply of kindness. What she’s doing right now is going straight Edward Cullen on his ass and sucking him dry of all the happiness and good will he’s worth. As you have realized, this is not ok, and now we have to figure out what you’re going to do about it. The idea of being a double agent and striking up a faux friendship with this trollop is enticing, I must admit. But let me tell you something, Frienemy: you cannot under any circumstances become BFFs with this vulture, not even in jest. For all you know, a predisposition to being wooed, duped, glamoured, and bamboozled by Bitchy McGee is genetic. Who’s to say that you won’t succumb to her emotional manipulation and get sucked in just like your brother? Stay far, far away from this girl. I mean it. Friending her on FB is about as far as your relationship with this woodland creature should go. Plus, as long as you’re cool with potential criminal justice system-level consequences, cyber bullying is so much more fun! Let me jump start your cyber bullying efforts by suggesting you leave the comment ‘your ugly’ on every single one of her photos. Nothing hurts more than being dissed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Best of luck!
Love,
Lauren
Q: Scenario: One of my fabcebook friend’s stauses recently was “Please confirm or deny the rumor that Regina Specktor is playing at [redacted]!?+”…is it cruel to comment and say “Please confirm or deny the rumor that I hate you. Oh. Wait. This just in…CONFIRMED.” Please help. -Anonymous
A: Well aren’t you cheeky, Anonymous?! As I hope you already know, anyone with the cojones to openly demonstrate their contempt for a frenemy is a friend of mine. There’s nothing worse than someone who’s a friend to your face and a mortal enemy behind closed doors which is why I salute you and your open-hatred policy. But you gotta be careful, Anonymous, you can have too much of a good thing, especially when that good thing is hating on your so-called friends. I can’t be sure, but the fact that you’re commenting on status updates all willy nilly leads me to believe that you’ve gotten a little overzealous in your FB badgering. Why not try being a little more coy with your contempt? Loathing is a dish best served as a sampler, not an entree. If you hit your enemy too hard and too often, she’s going to become immune to your particular brand of bullying. And where’s the fun in that? Just like a deadly virus, you have to constantly change and grow in order to keep destroying people’s lives. Try being the SARS of Facebook and leave your enemy breathless by never getting too comfortable with one form of harassment. If status comments are your MO, then try disappearing for a while and coming back with a huge hostility bomb in her Honesty Box. By showing your scorn sparingly, your enemy will not only be filled with a soul-crushing sadness, but she’ll never be able to predict just when you’ll strike next. And that, my frenemy, is a beautiful thing.
Love,
Lauren