Q: I have this cousin, who I see maybe four times a year, but interact with often on Facebook because she’s on constantly.  Her comments on status updates and photos and the like are always disparaging in some way— but I don’t think she means them like that.  She has a semi-sarcastic sense of humor and so I think her comments are mostly jokes.  But naturally she’s the only one that gets them and everyone else just thinks she’s being a douchebag.  Without knowing whether I’m being knocked or just taking her comments too seriously, how does one respond to this inadvertent jerks?-Michelle

A: Michelle, I’m sorry to break the news to you, but your cousin is addicted to Facebook bullying.  I’ve struggled with such an addiction before myself— there’s nothing like the rush of shooting a backhanded compliment right into someone’s brand new Facebook album.  But while most of us know when to stop, your cousin’s negative Facebook commenting practices have spiraled out of control.  Sure, she tells you (and herself) that it’s ‘just jokes’ and she can ‘stop any time she wants,’ but you know what, Michelle? She can’t.  And you’ve got to stop making excuses for her destructive behavior.  Sooner or later your cousin will be losing sleep, fighting naked in the driveway, and putting her job in jeopardy just so she can be the first person to say ‘what a small and ugly engagement ring!’ or ‘i didn’t know normal babies’ heads could get that big!’ She needs to be stopped.

What you need to do is have an intervention.  At your next family function, rent out a hotel suite, fly me in, and we’ll sit your cousin down on the couch and let her know that we’re there with a bunch of people who love her like crazy and just want to see her get better.  We will then offer her an ultimatum:  if she does not change her ways and enroll in your 90 day treatment program (I’ll get to that later), you will cut off all ties with her on Facebook, effective immediately.  Let her know that for the 90 days you will strictly monitor her FB activity and that for every ‘is your new BF missing a chromosome?’ comment she posts (to anyone), you will post a picture of her at 14 when she was rockin’ rainbow-colored braces and mosquito bites in her bikini top for all of the Facebook community to mock and judge. Hopefully after a few tears she will accept the treatment being offered and if you do your job correctly, after 90 days your cousin will be back in the land of People Who Actually Care About the Feelings of Others.  And if you can’t make the intervention happen, just talk to the girl or send her a FB message.  She’s either being an accidental jerk and will stop once you bring it to her attention or she’s doing it on purpose and will curb her hatefulness once she realizes she’s been found out.  One day at a time!

Love,

Lauren