FACEBOOK DRAMA!

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Got a mess of trouble on Facebook?
The Laurens have the answers! Email us at fixmyfacebook@gmail.com or post an anonymous question directly to our Formspring.
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The Laurens are Lauren Lapkus and Lauren Ashley Smith. Please feel free to contact us! fixmyfacebook@gmail.com

**Disclaimer: Every question was submitted by an actual person. The Laurens are here to solve your problems, not create new ones.**

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2 notes October 5, 2009 11 50 AM

Q: How do i stop looking at my Ex’s page when i log onto FB. i know i’m snooping, but i can’t help but check her page whenever i log on -LLGB

A: I so feel you on this one, LLGB!! I guess now would be a good time to confess that I Facebook stalk my ex like a straight psychopath. Never mind the fact that we haven’t dated since 2000— I need to know what is going on in his life at all times. As it turns out, what’s going on in his life right now is HE’S ENGAGED, but let’s talk about your break-up which is probably a bit more recent than mine…

Facebook is good for many things, but a post break-up pick-me-up it is definitely not. Staying FB friends with your ex is the best way to ensure that the wounds from your broken relationship never heal, and snooping on your ex gf’s page is just not healthy. But I’m not stupid— if I tell you to un-friend or hide your ex from your mini-feed, you’re not going to do it. Why? Because Facebook stalking is what we do to maintain a connection to the people we used to date and maybe still love a little bit. That’s why I’m going to propose a different plan instead. You have free rein to creep on your ex’s page as much as you want as long as you adhere to this rule: for every minute you spend looking at her page, you have to spend two minutes doing pushups, pull-ups, or crunches. With this system, you’ll start to think twice about looking at your ex’s latest photo album, status update, or wall-to-wall with that jerk you KNOW has always had the hots for her. If you’re going to torture yourself emotionally, why not throw in a little physical torture that’s actually going to get you somewhere? Who knows—FB stalking your ex could land you a six-pack and special looks from a new girl whose very existence doesn’t make you want to kill yourself. So drop and give me fifty!

Love,

Lauren

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2 notes September 22, 2009 11 55 AM

Q: Hope this session is covered by HMO or PPO, here goes:

I am so sick of the FB statuses being all about the boyfriend. Its like, who can sound the STUPIDEST (I know that’s NOT a word, but I’m trying to make a point). What is a FB friend to do when her FB friends are CONSTANTLY TRYING TO CONVINCE ALL THEIR FB FRIENDS they’re so in love? Truth is, seems like everybody but the STUPIDEST people knows that its not going to last. That said, do I hide them or delete them? -NOT CONVINCED

A: Oh hey there, NOT CONVINCED. I’m gonna break it to you—I’m not convinced you have a soul. Why are you so down on love? I’m sensing a deeper issue here. Are you recently/permanently single and not looking to mingle? Are you taking a dip in the jealous sea? Sure you can hide and delete your friends’ happiness on Facebook, but you can’t hide or delete all of the love that exists in this world, Dr. Evil. Have you not seen the critically acclaimed major motion picture ‘Love, Actually?’ It teaches us that ‘love is everywhere’ and that’s the truth whether you like it or not.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m disgusted by Facebook updates like ‘I luv u baby!’ and ‘jus chillen wit mah boo.’ And yes, most of those ‘relationships’ will be over before you finish reading this post, but that doesn’t mean it’s your place to get involved. Speaking your mind on who your friends choose to bone is how hos get beat down in these streets, and I’d hate to see a beat-down happen to you. Go ahead and click ‘hide’ if all the amore on your mini-feed is truly making you sick, but you can’t hide from Love forever. It’s like the rhythm—eventually, it is going to get you. So open up the door to your rusted chest cavity, give that piece of coal you call a heart a little thump, and get thee to the nearest Happy Hour where you will (fingers crossed) find someone to love you. Next thing you know, you’ll be the one shouting ‘I LUV U BOO BOO!!!!!!’ to some low-life from the rooftops of your status.

LOVE (accept it),

Lauren

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2 notes September 15, 2009 11 58 AM

Q: My ex boyfriend and I are friends on Facebook. He broke up with me two and a half months ago, and since then I have moved on and he has stayed single and hasn’t dated anyone. My question is, he makes snide comments all the time either through text/wall postings/or facebook messages, and I’m not only tired of it, but it hurts. Aside from blocking him what is a probable solution for this? -Tired.

A: Congratulations, Tired, you are officially the Brad Pitt aka the winner of your break-up. While you’re banging your hot new love in the backyard grotto of your French mansion where your six kids are sleeping, your ex is sitting at home and lonely in his studio apartment creeping on your Facebook profile and wondering what lame romantic comedy he’s going to star in next. Honestly, winning is hard work and I commend you on your achievements. Now, onto the fact that your ex is a social cripple. You can’t control the fact that he is a waste of life, but you can control how much of an effect that oxygen thief has on your overall happiness. Seeing hurtful things on your wall isn’t making you happy, so why don’t you want to block this turd? Is it because you like the attention? I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to understand the situation.

Outside of blocking, the only course of action here is to rub your new relationship in your ex’s face so hard that he has to see a specialist to fix the damage. Show him how much you’re loving life by posting a profile picture of you with your new boo and an entire photo album dedicated to pix of you two engaged in heavy petting. Top that off by taking every ‘When Will You Get Married to Your Far Superior New Boyfriend?’/’How Much Does Your Ex BF Suck?’ quiz FB has to offer and post that shiz to your profile and mini feed every hour on the hour. Of course, since you won’t block him, your ex is probably going to comment on all of these things. Drive him nuts by deleting every single one of his comments. Don’t write him back or acknowledge him in any way—just delete them. He will get so angry and frustrated by his inability to express himself that he will explode and then you won’t have to worry about him ever again. Boom goes the dynamite!

Love,

Lauren

--Tagged under: facebook--

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3 notes September 10, 2009 12 04 PM

Q: okay ladies, help me with this one! In a moment of benevolance (or outright lunacy), I let my mom look at my fb page, up until then, she had no idea about this site. Flash forward, she has her own page (snore). Not one to ‘share’, she never writes in it, however, she uses it as a way to access other sites, primarily mine!! I was smart enough to give ‘limited access’ to my page (how you gonna tell your momma you are not her ‘friend’?), and get this, she almost always leaves a comment. If I make mention that I am ‘out and about’, she writes something like ” how ‘bout finding time to come see your parents.” It gets worse, she has put pictures of me as a ‘neked’ baby for birthday announcements and she also comments on the slackers that are my (real) friends. AAARGH
I don’t want to give up a good home cooked meal and other benefits (shopping sprees, spa treatments), but this nosey nellie needs a life…her own! -Anonymous

A: Woah, woah, woah, Anonymous—what up with all the maternally-directed negative energy, yo? Being Facebook friends with your mama je’e can’t be all that bad, especially since you’ve already got her corralled in the Limited Profile section of your life. Sure, old people and uncles on Facebook can be a downer, but this is the woman who gave you life! This is the woman who pushed you and your big ole head out of her special place, and you don’t think she’s good enough to comment on the fact that you are obsessed with Chuck Bass? Did it ever occur to you that your mom might like you a little bit and—try not to freak out here—even love you? Let your mamacita share her love (and naked pics) of you on the interwebs—after all you’ve put her through, she’s earned it. All mommy really wants is to be included in your life, so be a good daughter and throw her a shout-out in your Facebook status every once in a while. Like Boyz II Men said, Mama is the queen of your heart, so let her be the queen B of your Facebook page too. And okay, maybe yo’ momma does need a life outside of your FB comings and goings, but you know who wouldn’t have a life if it wasn’t for her? YOU! From where I sit, what you need is an attitude adjustment and two weeks with no TV or computer. You know what, just for that little eye roll you can make that FOUR weeks, young lady. Now go to your room.

Love,

Lauren

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