Q: My brother is a sweet guy, though not a huge hit with the ladies. For the last year, he has been dating a total b*tch, despite everyone telling him that she is bad news. I’ve accepted that I can’t convince him to dump the ho, but I just noticed that she has facebook, and I plan to add her as a “friend.” So here’s my question: do I parttake in some first-class cyberbullying (it might not last long until she blocks me, but it would definitely be fun!), or do I go for the subversive route and become her BFF and use all of her dirt against her??
-Frienemy in Ft. Lauderdale
A: So… Your brother’s gf is a total bitch, huh? This. Is. Not. Good. Do you know what bitches do, Frienemy? They eat sweet guys like your bro for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. From your description, I can tell you that this girl is a textbook case of what I like to call an Emotional Gold Digger and she’s using your brother for his excess supply of kindness. What she’s doing right now is going straight Edward Cullen on his ass and sucking him dry of all the happiness and good will he’s worth. As you have realized, this is not ok, and now we have to figure out what you’re going to do about it. The idea of being a double agent and striking up a faux friendship with this trollop is enticing, I must admit. But let me tell you something, Frienemy: you cannot under any circumstances become BFFs with this vulture, not even in jest. For all you know, a predisposition to being wooed, duped, glamoured, and bamboozled by Bitchy McGee is genetic. Who’s to say that you won’t succumb to her emotional manipulation and get sucked in just like your brother? Stay far, far away from this girl. I mean it. Friending her on FB is about as far as your relationship with this woodland creature should go. Plus, as long as you’re cool with potential criminal justice system-level consequences, cyber bullying is so much more fun! Let me jump start your cyber bullying efforts by suggesting you leave the comment ‘your ugly’ on every single one of her photos. Nothing hurts more than being dissed by someone who doesn’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re.’ Best of luck!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: How do i stop looking at my Ex’s page when i log onto FB. i know i’m snooping, but i can’t help but check her page whenever i log on -LLGB
A: I so feel you on this one, LLGB!! I guess now would be a good time to confess that I Facebook stalk my ex like a straight psychopath. Never mind the fact that we haven’t dated since 2000— I need to know what is going on in his life at all times. As it turns out, what’s going on in his life right now is HE’S ENGAGED, but let’s talk about your break-up which is probably a bit more recent than mine…
Facebook is good for many things, but a post break-up pick-me-up it is definitely not. Staying FB friends with your ex is the best way to ensure that the wounds from your broken relationship never heal, and snooping on your ex gf’s page is just not healthy. But I’m not stupid— if I tell you to un-friend or hide your ex from your mini-feed, you’re not going to do it. Why? Because Facebook stalking is what we do to maintain a connection to the people we used to date and maybe still love a little bit. That’s why I’m going to propose a different plan instead. You have free rein to creep on your ex’s page as much as you want as long as you adhere to this rule: for every minute you spend looking at her page, you have to spend two minutes doing pushups, pull-ups, or crunches. With this system, you’ll start to think twice about looking at your ex’s latest photo album, status update, or wall-to-wall with that jerk you KNOW has always had the hots for her. If you’re going to torture yourself emotionally, why not throw in a little physical torture that’s actually going to get you somewhere? Who knows—FB stalking your ex could land you a six-pack and special looks from a new girl whose very existence doesn’t make you want to kill yourself. So drop and give me fifty!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: Hope this session is covered by HMO or PPO, here goes:
I am so sick of the FB statuses being all about the boyfriend. Its like, who can sound the STUPIDEST (I know that’s NOT a word, but I’m trying to make a point). What is a FB friend to do when her FB friends are CONSTANTLY TRYING TO CONVINCE ALL THEIR FB FRIENDS they’re so in love? Truth is, seems like everybody but the STUPIDEST people knows that its not going to last. That said, do I hide them or delete them? -NOT CONVINCED
A: Oh hey there, NOT CONVINCED. I’m gonna break it to you—I’m not convinced you have a soul. Why are you so down on love? I’m sensing a deeper issue here. Are you recently/permanently single and not looking to mingle? Are you taking a dip in the jealous sea? Sure you can hide and delete your friends’ happiness on Facebook, but you can’t hide or delete all of the love that exists in this world, Dr. Evil. Have you not seen the critically acclaimed major motion picture ‘Love, Actually?’ It teaches us that ‘love is everywhere’ and that’s the truth whether you like it or not.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m disgusted by Facebook updates like ‘I luv u baby!’ and ‘jus chillen wit mah boo.’ And yes, most of those ‘relationships’ will be over before you finish reading this post, but that doesn’t mean it’s your place to get involved. Speaking your mind on who your friends choose to bone is how hos get beat down in these streets, and I’d hate to see a beat-down happen to you. Go ahead and click ‘hide’ if all the amore on your mini-feed is truly making you sick, but you can’t hide from Love forever. It’s like the rhythm—eventually, it is going to get you. So open up the door to your rusted chest cavity, give that piece of coal you call a heart a little thump, and get thee to the nearest Happy Hour where you will (fingers crossed) find someone to love you. Next thing you know, you’ll be the one shouting ‘I LUV U BOO BOO!!!!!!’ to some low-life from the rooftops of your status.
LOVE (accept it),
Lauren
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Q: My ex boyfriend and I are friends on Facebook. He broke up with me two and a half months ago, and since then I have moved on and he has stayed single and hasn’t dated anyone. My question is, he makes snide comments all the time either through text/wall postings/or facebook messages, and I’m not only tired of it, but it hurts. Aside from blocking him what is a probable solution for this? -Tired.
A: Congratulations, Tired, you are officially the Brad Pitt aka the winner of your break-up. While you’re banging your hot new love in the backyard grotto of your French mansion where your six kids are sleeping, your ex is sitting at home and lonely in his studio apartment creeping on your Facebook profile and wondering what lame romantic comedy he’s going to star in next. Honestly, winning is hard work and I commend you on your achievements. Now, onto the fact that your ex is a social cripple. You can’t control the fact that he is a waste of life, but you can control how much of an effect that oxygen thief has on your overall happiness. Seeing hurtful things on your wall isn’t making you happy, so why don’t you want to block this turd? Is it because you like the attention? I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to understand the situation.
Outside of blocking, the only course of action here is to rub your new relationship in your ex’s face so hard that he has to see a specialist to fix the damage. Show him how much you’re loving life by posting a profile picture of you with your new boo and an entire photo album dedicated to pix of you two engaged in heavy petting. Top that off by taking every ‘When Will You Get Married to Your Far Superior New Boyfriend?’/’How Much Does Your Ex BF Suck?’ quiz FB has to offer and post that shiz to your profile and mini feed every hour on the hour. Of course, since you won’t block him, your ex is probably going to comment on all of these things. Drive him nuts by deleting every single one of his comments. Don’t write him back or acknowledge him in any way—just delete them. He will get so angry and frustrated by his inability to express himself that he will explode and then you won’t have to worry about him ever again. Boom goes the dynamite!
Love,
Lauren
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Q: I am trapped in a facebook “it’s complicated” relationship with an old roommate of mine. We don’t really talk any more so it literally is complicated! I don’t know how to cancel that relationship without seeming like I am finally canceling the real friendship. I don’t want to offend her but, come on! HALP! -Laura W.
A: Girl, Sally Jessy Raphael, Jenny Jones, Ricki Lake, and even Oprah will tell you that being trapped in a relationship (Facebook or otherwise) is simply not the business. You need to get out—and fast. Thankfully, there is a solution that gets you out of the complicated relationship without taking things straight to awkward town.
Don’t panic— I’m going to ask you to deactivate your account, but only temporarily. First, set your FB status to “Laura is ditching FB and all of its distractions for a bit to get some work done. I’ll be back soon!” Then, you should deactivate your account. Don’t worry—all of your friends, wall posts, notes, messages, and Farmville animals will still be there waiting for you whenever you decide to reactivate, which you can do at any time. I’d suggest waiting 7-15 days before reactivating. At some point (either right before the deactivation or right after the reactivation), completely re-vamp your profile. You need to go tabula rasa in that piece and delete all of your personal info (favorite books, movies, and quotes) except for your birthday, job, and contact info. With all of the changes, your old roommate will see the deleted relationship status as just another casualty of your profile’s extreme makeover and things don’t have to get awkward like that one time you caught her in the kitchen slathering herself with Smuckers at 4am.
Love,
Lauren
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