Q: Answer this, Ladies, The Bard said it best, ” A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but,.how boring is life that people write about farts?? yes, toots, farts. No matter what you call them, they stink! Must we be privy to the minutia that makes up your day? Should there be some level of decorum we strive to maintain? Has the recession made good taste something we cannot afford to indulge in?? Are we so inundated by the comings and goings (no pun intended), of our millions of friends, that these said offenses are the only way we can get attention? Is there nothing else in life that is worthy of note? And yes, while I realize these little ‘beeps’ are awkward, what is next? Nose picking at stoplight offenses?
Come on people, be bigger than the moment. Keep writing about noxious noises, and the next thing you know is people will be trading tips on what style of Depends works best under their power suit. anonymous from Flushing (yes), N.Y. -june allison, Flushing, N.Y.
A: Aw, June. You’re cute. You seem to think that there’s a place for decorum and good judgment on the internet! And on Facebook at that?! ROTFLMBO! Didn’t you hear? Ever since the paparazzi started snapping pics of Britney, Lindsay, and Paris’ ladybits, all things decorous and decent flew out of the window right along with those ladies’ panties. I hate to break it to you, June, but as far as FB is concerned, oversharing is here, it’s queer, and you’d better get used to it.
Yes, most bodily functions should remain between the person making them, the toilet and God. But ask yourself this, June: if a fart is released in a room and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? Thanks to Facebook, every toot’s voice can now be heard. With FB, no poot nor toot nor plastic container of funky-looking placenta has to go undocumented, and there’s a sick sort of beauty in that. Does this mean that you should post a status about your next gaseous emission? No, because you know better. But there are millions of people on Facebook who don’t, and we have to respect their right to free speech as disgusting as their free speech may be. Just count yourself lucky that farts are the most indecent thing on your radar. Do you know what kind of crap (literally) I’ve had to endure on my FB homepage? The amount of baby penises I’ve been made privy to? How I wish I could unsee what I have seen—that I could go Eternal Sunshine in this piece to have that junk straight erased from my memory. But I can’t. And you can’t escape your friends’ toots. So welcome them into your life with open arms and a plugged up nose and take comfort in the fact that you’re better than everyone.
PS I recommend the Depends belted shields for under the power suit. They work with your underwear on days when you want your ensemble to say “I’m in control of this meeting and my urine output.”
Love,
Lauren
Q: Due to my constant facebooking, I find myself liking stuff 10 seconds after they are posted. Do people think I’m crazy –Anonymous
A: Well, Anonymous, aren’t you just the eager beaver? There’s really nothing wrong with genuinely liking everything, but if it’s a constant habit for you people are gonna start thinking you’re just trigger happy. You need to take in a big helping of the Breathe, Read Twice and See if You Still Care method. Here’s how it works: the second you refresh your Facebook homepage and see that another pal has changed their status, take a deep breathe (in and out), read the status two times, carefully, and decide whether you legitimately “like” the information you have just processed. If in fact you do like it, give it the old thumbs up. If you’re on the fence or decidedly don’t like it, do nothing. Before you get too excited about this new technique, let’s discuss what “liking” something actually means. You need to feel happiness or some sort of positive emotion in response to the status. Often times someone will post a status message saying something depressing or difficult and less careful friends will say they “like” it. Somehow I don’t doubt you’ve gotten yourself into that mess before. I don’t want to discourage you from expressing your likes to the world—just be a little more thoughtful and your friends will notice. You could even post a comment—that way, your work friends will know what it is about their status that speaks to you. If you follow these tips you will be spared email notification upon email notification telling you yet another person has commented on Mary Jane’s status about being hungover from a terrible night of drinking and vomiting. And what about that sentence do you “like” anyway?
Like,
Lauren